All New.

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to start life COMPLETELY over with. To wipe the slate clean and set out anew.

And then I remember that I am living that very thing right now. And it is not quite as romantic a notion as I had dreamed. I left - everything. Family, friends, work, 'comfort' ... So now I am gone. Starting anew.

I am rather annoyed with the gimmicks that a new year brings. Make resolutions, get active, lose weight, eat healthier, etc. I don't ascribe to the notion of 'New Year's Resolutions' for the shear fact that I KNOW I am going to fail. And, therein, be a failure - yet again. So I don't make them. Why would I resolve to do something on one particular day of the year - when there are 364 other days I could start? Or stop? Or finish. That's what I ascribe to.

All of that to say, I've got a few goals for the new year/new life that I now have been given.

• Trust God relentlessly. God has allowed me to travel some narrow and twisty-turny roads lately. Some of which I despised, some of which I needed to never end. In the process, He has taught me to trust - without question. It seems like such a simple task, but it isn't. I am a A-type personality with a need for control. I need to have a plan for each day/week/month of my life and I need to be the one to dictate that. God seems to find that amusing. For He has an amazing ability to shake things up on me. And remind me WHO is in control and WHO can be trusted supremely. This year, I strive to trust God relentlessly.

• Love my husband well. Being married has taught me SO much about love. And mostly everything that I have learned, I had no idea. Love is so vast and complex, yet simple all at the same time. God saw fit to allow me to marry a man that is above and beyond what I thought I deserved. I desire to show my appreciation to both God and him by loving well.

• Make new friends. Like I said, I left - 2.5 months ago, to be exact. And to date, I have met only a handful of people and only in passing situations. I am not an outgoing person, nor do I particularly care for making new friends - to be perfectly honest. But I need to - in light of those twisty-turny roads that God has provided. Avenues at hand for these opportunities follow.

• Get involved in the church we have found! I admit. I haven't been a regular attender of church since I was in high school. SEVEN years ago. I just haven't felt connected in any way/shape or form. (Yes, I realize church is not about how I feel.) Some people search for years for a perfect church for them. Ruedi and I went to one the first Sunday we were here and haven't been anywhere else. We plan on taking a church information class in the Spring. They have a women's mentoring program that I hope to participate in. The pastor mentioned in passing during one of his sermon's that he is from Texas - so I know God led us to the right place!

• Get a job. I admit. I don't want a job. I don't want the monotony of getting up and going to work everyday and the stresses that are involved. I like the routine I have currently. But I need to get one - to find friends, to be active and involved and to help pay the bills. I've got 35 applications out and about, and have only heard from 1. Moving/transitioning during the holiday months has been irritatingly frustrating, yet full of relief all at the same time. The inevitable has been postponed, but a new day has dawned.

• Cultivate and maintain the relationships I left. I hate that my family and friends are so far from me. I hate that it requires SO much effort to stay connected with them. But I must continue the relationships and put forth that effort. I love them and they have supported Ruedi and I from day one. I must not abandon them!

• Continue eating healthy and exercising. I know, I said I wouldn't fall into the resolution trap. BUT. I am going to continue doing what I am already doing - eating healthy and to satisfaction and exercising. Included in this, by proxy, is cooking! And developing my skills in that department - experimenting with recipes, new foods and flavors. Hopefully, I'll get a bike soon or we'll find a great deal on a gym membership. I want to get back on a bike! I've been running lately (and progressing right nicely), but I need a change.

This might not seem like a lot of goals, but they encompass all that is most important to me. I attempt to lead simple life with little frills or attachments.

Hope: Fulfilled. Promise: Fulfilled. 2o10.

Leaving.

I've been thinking a lot lately about leaving.

About leaving home. Leaving friends. Leaving work. Leaving comfort. Leaving all that I've known for all that I don't know.

I've never been much for change. Or new. Or making friends. Or being uncomfortable.

Donald Miller says,

'We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.'

And I lied. I've been thinking about leaving since I read those lines on September 1, 2008.

God sometimes has a different timeline than I. I've tried, don't get me wrong. I've tried, since that date, to leave. I guess I wasn't ready. Or maybe I thought I was ready, but my reasons were wrong. Maybe my reasons were to escape. Or because I was angry. Or I felt left-behind. Or I was sad. Or, perhaps, I was wallowing in a period of utter humiliation.

Whatever the reasons were then, they are not the reasons now. Now it is for adventure. For love. For companionship. For friendship. For challenge. For all those 'what-if's' I've carried for years.

But most of all, it is because I promised to follow. I was asked to go on a great adventure, both by my God and my husband. And I have willingly chosen to accept.

Thus, the change.

I accept leaving. I choose it. Out of love. Out of desire. Out of humility. And most importantly, because I can.

March 14, 2009

I choose you.

I'm not really much for blogging...

...I just prefer to read other people's :) But on the off chance that I have something to say, here is where I shall say it.