Goals.

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. Not so much about not sticking to the process or failing miserably.

Quite the opposite, actually.

I've been thinking about REACHING them. And how very scary it can be. And how nervous it makes me. And how I wonder what I will do when they are met.

I'm a task oriented person. I've got to have something to work on or towards at all times. I commit my entire self to what I am doing. So much so, that upon the crest of goal-completion, I freak out just a bit. Ok, a lot. What am I going to do now? What will consume my time, my thoughts and my energy? Should I sabotage myself to prevent goal accomplishment? Why on earth did I set a tangible goal to begin with?!?

I have never felt as lost as I felt the moment I graduated college. In the few steps it took to walk across the stage, the identity I wore proudly for the last 16 years was stripped away. I was no longer a student. I was no longer a learner. I was no longer a classmate. I knew what I wasn't. But I had no idea what I was.

I am on the verge of accomplishing a very specific goal that I have carried around (albeit fancifully) for the majority of my life. What now? It feels good to be here. I am proud of myself and how hard I have worked. I enjoy the changes I have experienced. I enjoy the future that is at hand.

But I am also scared. Scared that my momentum will fail me and I will regress. My progress will be swept away. I will ruin what I have accomplished, because that is what I do best.

Perhaps my new goal should be to maintain the goal that I am soon to reach. To care for it. To sit in it. To enjoy it. To take pride in it. To carry on with dignity. To live a changed life.

I guess the hard work is only now beginning.

Blended thoughts.

I've been keeping a journal lately. Hence, the lack of thought to this blog. Some days I have words to say, others not so much. Perhaps one day I will look back at my journal and remember the time in my life when I was looking for work and had all day to spend to myself - reading, finding recipes, studying the Word, drinking hot tea and just generally avoiding going outside, where it is cold and snowy. Perhaps I'll look back at this time and think longingly how nice it was. Most likely, I won't. That's just not how I operate.

Instead, I'll look forward to living a life of godliness and pursuit. My work will be produced by faith. My labor will be prompted by love. My endurance will be inspired by hope in the Lord Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 1:3). I'll continue to get ready each day - firmly putting my breastplate of faith and love in place and my helmet that carries the hope of salvation on my head. No matter that it might mess my hair. My heart will be guarded and my head will be filled with the knowledge that all will be ok.

It is curious to me how much you learn when you actually make it a point to do just that. Go figure. Common sense, I realize. But also higher order. Training myself to be godly. Takes just as much effort as training my legs and arms to run. In the end, running won't get me anywhere. It won't save my soul or propel me to faith and good works.

Random words, but they jive in my head. I'm ok with that.