Goals.

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. Not so much about not sticking to the process or failing miserably.

Quite the opposite, actually.

I've been thinking about REACHING them. And how very scary it can be. And how nervous it makes me. And how I wonder what I will do when they are met.

I'm a task oriented person. I've got to have something to work on or towards at all times. I commit my entire self to what I am doing. So much so, that upon the crest of goal-completion, I freak out just a bit. Ok, a lot. What am I going to do now? What will consume my time, my thoughts and my energy? Should I sabotage myself to prevent goal accomplishment? Why on earth did I set a tangible goal to begin with?!?

I have never felt as lost as I felt the moment I graduated college. In the few steps it took to walk across the stage, the identity I wore proudly for the last 16 years was stripped away. I was no longer a student. I was no longer a learner. I was no longer a classmate. I knew what I wasn't. But I had no idea what I was.

I am on the verge of accomplishing a very specific goal that I have carried around (albeit fancifully) for the majority of my life. What now? It feels good to be here. I am proud of myself and how hard I have worked. I enjoy the changes I have experienced. I enjoy the future that is at hand.

But I am also scared. Scared that my momentum will fail me and I will regress. My progress will be swept away. I will ruin what I have accomplished, because that is what I do best.

Perhaps my new goal should be to maintain the goal that I am soon to reach. To care for it. To sit in it. To enjoy it. To take pride in it. To carry on with dignity. To live a changed life.

I guess the hard work is only now beginning.