Where I am.

I. am. in. Maryland.

It's still kind of hard for me to grasp this! But, many-a-thing reminds me daily!

Driving - the drivers here are quite creative. Red lights and speed limits have no meaning. Horn honking is the norm.

Food - it's everywhere! There are tons of restaurants in the area. With spring/summer upon us, farmer's markets are popping up. Grocery stores are in abundance. I've made a few new friends: goat cheese, beets, butternut squash, brussel sprouts and the list continues. It is quite nice!

Playing outside - the weather here is still around the 60's/70's, which is PERFECT for outdoor activities! I keep hearing people warn at how horrible the summer's are. Today was the 20th of May and I doubt it got over 75 .. so, bring on the summer! Which means I can run and bike outside! There is a great trail up the road a bit that I love to hit up. Rain or shine, there are always folks on it! It is something.

People - there are a LOT of people around here. Tons of apartments. Cars. You name it. Grocery stores are maddening. As is the Target parking lot, unless you've discovered the back entrance.

At times, I am overwhelmed by these differences and many more that surface daily. This place is not Texas. This place is definitely NOT Longview. But. It is home. It's where I belong.

And I enjoy it immensely.

Goals.

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. Not so much about not sticking to the process or failing miserably.

Quite the opposite, actually.

I've been thinking about REACHING them. And how very scary it can be. And how nervous it makes me. And how I wonder what I will do when they are met.

I'm a task oriented person. I've got to have something to work on or towards at all times. I commit my entire self to what I am doing. So much so, that upon the crest of goal-completion, I freak out just a bit. Ok, a lot. What am I going to do now? What will consume my time, my thoughts and my energy? Should I sabotage myself to prevent goal accomplishment? Why on earth did I set a tangible goal to begin with?!?

I have never felt as lost as I felt the moment I graduated college. In the few steps it took to walk across the stage, the identity I wore proudly for the last 16 years was stripped away. I was no longer a student. I was no longer a learner. I was no longer a classmate. I knew what I wasn't. But I had no idea what I was.

I am on the verge of accomplishing a very specific goal that I have carried around (albeit fancifully) for the majority of my life. What now? It feels good to be here. I am proud of myself and how hard I have worked. I enjoy the changes I have experienced. I enjoy the future that is at hand.

But I am also scared. Scared that my momentum will fail me and I will regress. My progress will be swept away. I will ruin what I have accomplished, because that is what I do best.

Perhaps my new goal should be to maintain the goal that I am soon to reach. To care for it. To sit in it. To enjoy it. To take pride in it. To carry on with dignity. To live a changed life.

I guess the hard work is only now beginning.

Blended thoughts.

I've been keeping a journal lately. Hence, the lack of thought to this blog. Some days I have words to say, others not so much. Perhaps one day I will look back at my journal and remember the time in my life when I was looking for work and had all day to spend to myself - reading, finding recipes, studying the Word, drinking hot tea and just generally avoiding going outside, where it is cold and snowy. Perhaps I'll look back at this time and think longingly how nice it was. Most likely, I won't. That's just not how I operate.

Instead, I'll look forward to living a life of godliness and pursuit. My work will be produced by faith. My labor will be prompted by love. My endurance will be inspired by hope in the Lord Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 1:3). I'll continue to get ready each day - firmly putting my breastplate of faith and love in place and my helmet that carries the hope of salvation on my head. No matter that it might mess my hair. My heart will be guarded and my head will be filled with the knowledge that all will be ok.

It is curious to me how much you learn when you actually make it a point to do just that. Go figure. Common sense, I realize. But also higher order. Training myself to be godly. Takes just as much effort as training my legs and arms to run. In the end, running won't get me anywhere. It won't save my soul or propel me to faith and good works.

Random words, but they jive in my head. I'm ok with that.

All New.

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to start life COMPLETELY over with. To wipe the slate clean and set out anew.

And then I remember that I am living that very thing right now. And it is not quite as romantic a notion as I had dreamed. I left - everything. Family, friends, work, 'comfort' ... So now I am gone. Starting anew.

I am rather annoyed with the gimmicks that a new year brings. Make resolutions, get active, lose weight, eat healthier, etc. I don't ascribe to the notion of 'New Year's Resolutions' for the shear fact that I KNOW I am going to fail. And, therein, be a failure - yet again. So I don't make them. Why would I resolve to do something on one particular day of the year - when there are 364 other days I could start? Or stop? Or finish. That's what I ascribe to.

All of that to say, I've got a few goals for the new year/new life that I now have been given.

• Trust God relentlessly. God has allowed me to travel some narrow and twisty-turny roads lately. Some of which I despised, some of which I needed to never end. In the process, He has taught me to trust - without question. It seems like such a simple task, but it isn't. I am a A-type personality with a need for control. I need to have a plan for each day/week/month of my life and I need to be the one to dictate that. God seems to find that amusing. For He has an amazing ability to shake things up on me. And remind me WHO is in control and WHO can be trusted supremely. This year, I strive to trust God relentlessly.

• Love my husband well. Being married has taught me SO much about love. And mostly everything that I have learned, I had no idea. Love is so vast and complex, yet simple all at the same time. God saw fit to allow me to marry a man that is above and beyond what I thought I deserved. I desire to show my appreciation to both God and him by loving well.

• Make new friends. Like I said, I left - 2.5 months ago, to be exact. And to date, I have met only a handful of people and only in passing situations. I am not an outgoing person, nor do I particularly care for making new friends - to be perfectly honest. But I need to - in light of those twisty-turny roads that God has provided. Avenues at hand for these opportunities follow.

• Get involved in the church we have found! I admit. I haven't been a regular attender of church since I was in high school. SEVEN years ago. I just haven't felt connected in any way/shape or form. (Yes, I realize church is not about how I feel.) Some people search for years for a perfect church for them. Ruedi and I went to one the first Sunday we were here and haven't been anywhere else. We plan on taking a church information class in the Spring. They have a women's mentoring program that I hope to participate in. The pastor mentioned in passing during one of his sermon's that he is from Texas - so I know God led us to the right place!

• Get a job. I admit. I don't want a job. I don't want the monotony of getting up and going to work everyday and the stresses that are involved. I like the routine I have currently. But I need to get one - to find friends, to be active and involved and to help pay the bills. I've got 35 applications out and about, and have only heard from 1. Moving/transitioning during the holiday months has been irritatingly frustrating, yet full of relief all at the same time. The inevitable has been postponed, but a new day has dawned.

• Cultivate and maintain the relationships I left. I hate that my family and friends are so far from me. I hate that it requires SO much effort to stay connected with them. But I must continue the relationships and put forth that effort. I love them and they have supported Ruedi and I from day one. I must not abandon them!

• Continue eating healthy and exercising. I know, I said I wouldn't fall into the resolution trap. BUT. I am going to continue doing what I am already doing - eating healthy and to satisfaction and exercising. Included in this, by proxy, is cooking! And developing my skills in that department - experimenting with recipes, new foods and flavors. Hopefully, I'll get a bike soon or we'll find a great deal on a gym membership. I want to get back on a bike! I've been running lately (and progressing right nicely), but I need a change.

This might not seem like a lot of goals, but they encompass all that is most important to me. I attempt to lead simple life with little frills or attachments.

Hope: Fulfilled. Promise: Fulfilled. 2o10.

Leaving.

I've been thinking a lot lately about leaving.

About leaving home. Leaving friends. Leaving work. Leaving comfort. Leaving all that I've known for all that I don't know.

I've never been much for change. Or new. Or making friends. Or being uncomfortable.

Donald Miller says,

'We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.'

And I lied. I've been thinking about leaving since I read those lines on September 1, 2008.

God sometimes has a different timeline than I. I've tried, don't get me wrong. I've tried, since that date, to leave. I guess I wasn't ready. Or maybe I thought I was ready, but my reasons were wrong. Maybe my reasons were to escape. Or because I was angry. Or I felt left-behind. Or I was sad. Or, perhaps, I was wallowing in a period of utter humiliation.

Whatever the reasons were then, they are not the reasons now. Now it is for adventure. For love. For companionship. For friendship. For challenge. For all those 'what-if's' I've carried for years.

But most of all, it is because I promised to follow. I was asked to go on a great adventure, both by my God and my husband. And I have willingly chosen to accept.

Thus, the change.

I accept leaving. I choose it. Out of love. Out of desire. Out of humility. And most importantly, because I can.

March 14, 2009

I choose you.

I'm not really much for blogging...

...I just prefer to read other people's :) But on the off chance that I have something to say, here is where I shall say it.